• my end of year post

    under a kotatsu at a hostel in nagano

    whatever i write in this post. is what the truth is going to be. in many ways. it doesn’t matter what actually happened. because soon. i won’t remember. and if other people were involved. soon. they won’t remember. or at the very least we’ll have a few years of “remember when…” “oh yeah, wait. wasn’t it…” “yeah! in fact it was also…” and we’ll make a new truth in those little conversations.

    and to be honest. this is why i struggle to write in this blog. yes. sometimes it’s laziness. sometimes it’s lack of ideas. sometimes it’s disliking the way i write. but the overwhelming fear is: am i being true to me?

    and now as people share their end of decade moments on social media. i watch them and think. how was my year? my decade? my life?

    and i don’t want to write it down.

    because i don’t want to put my feelings and thoughts to print.

    memories fade. print does not.

    so i wont. i’ll chalk the 2010s to: stuff. i did some things. had some jobs. lived in some places. met some people. i smiled. i cried. i thought. i regretted. i experienced. and i’m still here. nothing broke me. things could have been better. but (luckily) things could have been so much worse. and i’m grateful for all the people in my life who make me happy to be and happy to live.

    and so. with that. its onto the next decade.

  • a night on bui vien walking street, vietnam

    bui vien walking street, vietnam

    we’re sat on walking street. we’re here by accident. we know this place exists. we’ve been here before. but we can’t say we were trying to get here tonight. we’d started drinking and walking as we’re want to do. and i’m leading. after all, i have the data enabled sim. so i figure we head back towards the area our “homestay” is in. but also, this alley seems like a shortcut. and. it was more than just a shortcut. it’s the most residential saigon we’ve seen. just people’s homes. people’s living rooms. people’s kitchens, dinners, evenings, pastimes. simple family life in a quiet alley. the main noise coming from TVs… oh who am i kidding. this is saigon. the main noise is coming from mopeds. some with lights on, others with lights off. some carrying individuals, a couple or an entire family. they all weave down this quiet alley road with people living ordinary quiet lives. and eventually after one dead end, we emerge from this slice of normal ho chi minh city, vietnam onto probably its polar opposite.

    this street.

    bui vien walking street.

    the noise. the lights. the people. it’s so much. music remixes. bars. restaurants. massage parlours. street vendors. it feels as though every type of person is here. kids. teens. adults. seniors. families. friends. vietnamese people and foreigners.

    and. it’s a lot.

    so we sit at a bar. on the street. and here we are. watching. looking.

    what is the 19th of october for those on bui vien walking street, vietnam?

    well, at least i can tell you what i’ve seen.

    tourists. quite a few tourists walking around bemused by all that’s going on.

    a pair of vietnamese girls and their dog with blue dyed ears. they’re eating. they’re drinking. and most importantly they’re social media-ing their evening.

    the pink pimp. he came over to the vietnamese girls and in his pink suit with no shirt they started chatting. does he know them? i’m not sure. but he pulls out his pink phone. and his aesthetic is complete. i wonder what his job is.

    the massage parlour promoter. we’re unsure if it’s that kind of massage parlour or not. but she’s identifying targets and zoning in. she’s handsy. she’s touchy. and she’s insistent. she finds a guy and latches on. sometimes trying to physically pull him into the parlour. i hope she gets the business she needs.

    a young girl. we thought she was selling things as she walked around with a balloon wand and quite frankly a smile that could stop wars. but she sat down and starting talking to a drinking couple and using their phone. she must be a daughter or relative.

    ladies selling stuff. fruits. nuts. dried or fried goods. sometimes alone. and sometimes with a baby on their back.

    the dude with a snake. that’s all there is to that one. he walked amongst the throngs of people with a snake around his neck.

    the drunk guy. he came past us and lost his balance quite heavily. he knocked over one of our empty beer bottles to its broken demise. which happens. but he was very drunk. and that was confirmed by him soon failing to get up from his chair. this is definitely not a good sign. his heaving is also definitely not a good sign. his hand over the mouth? most certainly. not. a. good. sig- oh, he’s thrown up. people walk past and double take. his mate tries to wipe his hand clean with a tiny tissue. and the guy who works at the bar? well he’s definitely seen this before and comes equipped with newspaper to cover and absorb the “spillage”.

    the karaoke boy. he’s just a normal boy. but he has a sound system on wheels and a mic. and he’s singing. not sure who his audience is. but he’s singing at those sat drinking at bars. he must be doing it for money. but he’s not that memorable. i’m not quite sure i understand his business model.

    the fire boys. one looks in his twenties. he does a short fire show. touching fire to his tongue. spinning the lit batons. and fire breathing. which involves just holding a flammable liquid in his mouth and spraying it at a lit baton to make it appear as though his breath is fire. we’re not sure if he’s good or not. because we’re mainly concerned with if its safe or not. and that fear only increases as he leaves and is replaced by an actual child. maybe 10 years of age? and. he does the same routine. but i cant help but notice that the kid extinguishes the flames rather than just touch them to his tongue. and i especially cant help but notice that while the older fire boy made sure to spit after every time he held the flammable liquid in this mouth. this kid is not doing the same. and i dont know if i’m reading too much into it. but i feels as though the kid might be taking more risks. but again. maybe i’m overthinking it. oh. thank goodness. it’s over.

    people in mascot costumes. selling flowers? that’s all i’ve got.

    the college boys. they’re drinking. they’re eating. they’re laughing. wait. what’s that smell… weed? i guess that sounds about right.

    and

    the bartender in suspenders. she seems so bored. “strongbow” branding plastered across her uniform. she stands and waits. she gets an order and she delivers it. no smiles. just work.

    and that is all i can see from this plastic chair on the side of walking street. the background music to this show is the chatter. the music. and the sound of falling beer bottles. but i do wonder. what else is going on? what other lives are being lived at this time, on this day, on this street, in vietnam?

    note: this was written by a slightly intoxicated me, at the time, in my travel notebook. but typed up and edited by a sober me the next week.

  • “actions speak louder than words”

    a local train in niigata

    i hate that phrase. it’s a phrase i associate with feeling shut down. with feeling invalidated. with feeling useless. because i’d dream up things. ideals. wants. wishes. actions. pursuits. all these wonderful things that would excite me. and make me optimistic for the future. and i’d run and tell my dad. and he’d listen. he always listens. he nods. he furrows his brow – even if he’s also passively watching tv. and then he’d turn to me and say, “yes. but actions speak louder than words”.

    and as a kid. that felt like glass shattering.

    all these cool things that i was going to do and be and have. they weren’t real. they were just stupid. childish. nonsense.

    and you know what.

    gah.

    that old man was right.

    you can say whatever you like. but saying them does not create them.

    i said to myself i was going to start a site. i said it was going to be a place where i create and make and share. and here we are. two months later. with one blog post. which. if i’m honest. i already don’t really like. what did i even mean by internal and external intention? who knows.

  • external intention

    seoul, korea

    i didn’t think i lacked self confidence. and you know what. i don’t lack self confidence. but. over this last year. i’ve had to reevaluate what i mean by that claim. and i think. think. i have the answer…

    as the angsty young adult that i often am. i like to parade around with little isms that i think are great. poetic. v smart. a thank you very much. and one of my little sayings has been “i think i’m awesome, i just don’t think anyone else agrees”. and i used to say this with pride. look at me. i’m acknowledging myself. recognising my worth. but humbling myself at the same time. v smart. athankyou. 

    but. i think this approach i’ve had to myself and my life has put me on a path i wasn’t prepared for. because what that thought is doing. is splitting my life into two halves. the internal. and the external. and let me explain why i think that’s important. 

    the internal

    the internal is me. it’s all the things about myself that i can control. that i have to live with. that i can change and manipulate for the better. and i must say. i’m very proud of all the work i’ve put into myself. there were insecurities i had about my physical appearance, my personality and my interests that i used to feel embarrassed or shame over. and i learnt to make peace with myself. because if i’m the one living this life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. then i should do right by me. it was coming to terms with the idea that: if you dont want to spend hours and pound sterling on make up. and razors. and hair extensions. and clothes. and scented lotions and potions because. because you’re lazy. then. you don’t have to. don’t wear make up or shave. get dreads so you’re done with extensions. wear the types of clothes you actually like. no matter how boring or out of style they may be. and. you don’t need most beauty products. also. antiperspirant is overrated. yeah. you heard me. 

    and i’ve been good at recognising that while it doesn’t make me the most attractive out there. and that my personality can sometimes be a little strong. and my tastes a little odd. it’s okay. because i’m the only person living for me. 

    so. what’s the issue. seems i’ve got things pretty figured out, eh? 

    well. that takes me to…

    the external 

    what is this external that i speak of? well. i mean. i coined this idea 48 hours ago and have been trying to work out the details for myself. but what i think i’m saying. is this. it’s about how i express myself outside of my me bubble. because. i think i’m still slightly scared. still scared of asserting myself. since i know i’m not typical. and i know i can be a lot. i don’t want to impose that on others. and so. i don’t change me. but i wait for other people to interact with me. and if they stay. that’s great. i add valuable relationships to my life. and if they don’t. that’s fine too. we wouldn’t have suited each other anyway. and this doesn’t mean i don’t start conversations with people. or try to be friendly. i do. but it does mean. if i meet you. say hey. start talking and exchange internet handles. i’m not going to message you first. and i think this passivity is catching up with me. because it’s putting me on pause. i’m inadvertently waiting for society to legitimise my actions and give me permission to act. and i honestly didn’t know i was doing this. because. i was going about my days. doing my own thing. dressing the way i wanted. acting the way i wanted. being exactly who i wanted to be. but i was doing that on an individual level. never on a social one. 

    so. what do i think needs doing?

    i need to act with intention with regards to myself (check) but also my life with others (       ). don’t wait for other people to open doors. go open them yourself. and if no one wants to come with you. then. maybe you need to go alone. don’t retreat into yourself and wait for the next opportunity. 

    i guess that’s my challenge going forward.

    let’s see how this goes.