seoul, korea
i didn’t think i lacked self confidence. and you know what. i don’t lack self confidence. but. over this last year. i’ve had to reevaluate what i mean by that claim. and i think. think. i have the answer…
as the angsty young adult that i often am. i like to parade around with little isms that i think are great. poetic. v smart. a thank you very much. and one of my little sayings has been “i think i’m awesome, i just don’t think anyone else agrees”. and i used to say this with pride. look at me. i’m acknowledging myself. recognising my worth. but humbling myself at the same time. v smart. athankyou.
but. i think this approach i’ve had to myself and my life has put me on a path i wasn’t prepared for. because what that thought is doing. is splitting my life into two halves. the internal. and the external. and let me explain why i think that’s important.
the internal
the internal is me. it’s all the things about myself that i can control. that i have to live with. that i can change and manipulate for the better. and i must say. i’m very proud of all the work i’ve put into myself. there were insecurities i had about my physical appearance, my personality and my interests that i used to feel embarrassed or shame over. and i learnt to make peace with myself. because if i’m the one living this life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. then i should do right by me. it was coming to terms with the idea that: if you dont want to spend hours and pound sterling on make up. and razors. and hair extensions. and clothes. and scented lotions and potions because. because you’re lazy. then. you don’t have to. don’t wear make up or shave. get dreads so you’re done with extensions. wear the types of clothes you actually like. no matter how boring or out of style they may be. and. you don’t need most beauty products. also. antiperspirant is overrated. yeah. you heard me.
and i’ve been good at recognising that while it doesn’t make me the most attractive out there. and that my personality can sometimes be a little strong. and my tastes a little odd. it’s okay. because i’m the only person living for me.
so. what’s the issue. seems i’ve got things pretty figured out, eh?
well. that takes me to…
the external
what is this external that i speak of? well. i mean. i coined this idea 48 hours ago and have been trying to work out the details for myself. but what i think i’m saying. is this. it’s about how i express myself outside of my me bubble. because. i think i’m still slightly scared. still scared of asserting myself. since i know i’m not typical. and i know i can be a lot. i don’t want to impose that on others. and so. i don’t change me. but i wait for other people to interact with me. and if they stay. that’s great. i add valuable relationships to my life. and if they don’t. that’s fine too. we wouldn’t have suited each other anyway. and this doesn’t mean i don’t start conversations with people. or try to be friendly. i do. but it does mean. if i meet you. say hey. start talking and exchange internet handles. i’m not going to message you first. and i think this passivity is catching up with me. because it’s putting me on pause. i’m inadvertently waiting for society to legitimise my actions and give me permission to act. and i honestly didn’t know i was doing this. because. i was going about my days. doing my own thing. dressing the way i wanted. acting the way i wanted. being exactly who i wanted to be. but i was doing that on an individual level. never on a social one.
so. what do i think needs doing?
i need to act with intention with regards to myself (check) but also my life with others ( ). don’t wait for other people to open doors. go open them yourself. and if no one wants to come with you. then. maybe you need to go alone. don’t retreat into yourself and wait for the next opportunity.
i guess that’s my challenge going forward.
let’s see how this goes.
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