HAYITSNAY

a local train in niigata

i hate that phrase. it’s a phrase i associate with feeling shut down. with feeling invalidated. with feeling useless. because i’d dream up things. ideals. wants. wishes. actions. pursuits. all these wonderful things that would excite me. and make me optimistic for the future. and i’d run and tell my dad. and he’d listen. he always listens. he nods. he furrows his brow – even if he’s also passively watching tv. and then he’d turn to me and say, “yes. but actions speak louder than words”.

and as a kid. that felt like glass shattering.

all these cool things that i was going to do and be and have. they weren’t real. they were just stupid. childish. nonsense.

and you know what.

gah.

that old man was right.

you can say whatever you like. but saying them does not create them.

i said to myself i was going to start a site. i said it was going to be a place where i create and make and share. and here we are. two months later. with one blog post. which. if i’m honest. i already don’t really like. what did i even mean by internal and external intention? who knows.